Medicated depression, day #95
Just arrived at the office, have been on therapy session and expected to stay at the local medical healthcare center for the next appointment, my therapist checked and the meeting with the doctor is on Monday, 29th instead of 24th, I misread the booking.
The session with the therapist was a bit off this time, I tried to explain my feelings around sick leave and what was causing my blanking out, my inability to deliver and what my manager had said about sick leave.
Two managers from the other office showed up here, did not know about them coming to the office, stress onset. Got asked if I had a good conference last weekend.
Later: A colleague just swung by my desk, to ask me if I were interested in a small conference and the topics of "code" and "architecture", nudged me about my recent refactoring of code bases, "Architecture-less refactoring" as a suggested topic for a flash, a 15-minute session. I've done a few of the recently, had my fair share of problems and learnings from them and as others face the same problems as SDKs reach their end of supported lifecycle, most developers will stumble upon this, sooner rather than later.
I'll think about it, I could definitely fill 15 minutes but need to find the highlights and refine them into something digestible for others. Also, it's in end of May and hosted across the country. I need to think about this.
Later: Everybody went for lunch, I stayed back as I'm going to the pharmacy to fetch prescriptions, I ran out of pills this morning .. I should have had fetched it earlier in the week, but it's only a minor medication so no panic.
Mood-wise I'm at "meh" today, nothing feels exciting, no happy, no sad. Just "meh". I'll probably talk to our KC that is at the office today, she asked earlier if I thought the conference were good and I responded with "Yes, interesting stuff" .. but nothing more than that, probably in a bored tone of voice .. I need to ask how and what they have in mind about shorter and longer sick leave and how they think about staffing up when that happens.
Later: Had a pretty slow lunch, first a stop at the pharmacy, had only one of two expected medications, there weren't any prescription for the second one, have to ask about that next appointment. Went to the grocery shop and bought a cheese and ham pie and a box of cherry tomatoes, sat alone in the lunch room, twiddling with my phone while eating.
PL is asking about progress, I dunno .. my shit compiles and validates, but will blow up when deployed. Questions on that? Still seeking a solution for the weird error message.
Later: I'm just shaking my head, this is bull shit, it works partially, at random, some components get deploy while others fail, at random, all components have succeeded at some point so it looks good but there is always something that fails and fails the whole deploy. Very annoying, frustrating and I really can't point at any specific point and say 'there', as it moves around all the time. Two deploys from the same code has different outcomes.
I just wanna go home and sleep. Brain is mush. Feels wrong to invoice the customer for my hours of utter fail .. I have zero progress the last couple of days, even though I've been working on solving the problems.
Later: I'm still at the office, after hours .. to try to tweak the code a bit for it to run properly .. but I doubt I succeed with this. Last run now.
Nope, it failed, as usual, in same fashion as previous deploys, zero change in behavior when I tweaked key components, so failure must be somewhere else.
It's fuck this shit O'clock .. and I'm leaving the office.