Medicated depression, day #86
At the office, a few colleagues present.
Slept really wonky during weekend, 9 hours Saturday, 3.5 hours Sunday and this night I slept just over 4 hours, feeling somewhat rested. Stayed in the whole weekend while son and wife scurried around, doing shopping, errands and recycling.
I'm sad that my main workstation at home has died, whole disk with everything under /home is lost, disk seems to be electronically dead. I had some work on there that isn't anywhere else, not backed up, stupid, yes, but I was working on things that were to be released this autumn as a 20 year anniversary. Some of it is backed up, but the 1.5Gb of audio files were not. There were other projects there as well.
I don't have the energy to deal with it, that makes me sad, it makes me sad I have a lack of energy and incentive to get it sorted. It was on a machine that has been running non-stop since 2014, it was actually my work-laptop from previous employer which I bought when it was rotated out after 5 years, I was supposed to get it rotated after 3 years but things where postponed as company got bought and budgets got re-balanced.
Fridays' activities were fun, Italian restaurant with management people and colleagues, got to know some gossip; the guy interviewed on Friday, we were asked what we thought about him and if he was to be hired, everybody agreed he should be hired, so he is going to get an offer .. colleague on the other office is going to move to our town, so we get a new colleague at our office in the beginning of June. Some other stuff too, like pending deals and contracts.
Later: Almost fell asleep at my desk, really tired. Coffee doesn't seem to help, need food and possibly some energy drink.
Later: Almost certain I napped, like narcolepsy .. I think I need to talk to my doctor about this, as it can become a problem. Some 20 minutes missing.
Now at lunch time we have a monthly meeting in the company, teams meeting, where managers report how things are going, additions, subtractions of staff and so on. I'm skipping lunch today, not hungry and I need to work on some things while listening in to the meeting, hope to get out early as son shows up after 14-something (allegedly, guessing it will be more like 15-something).
Later: Discussions during lunch meeting about career model and criterias around that, we are expected to hold session on conferences on subjects related to our areas of expertise, we are expected to want to climb some career ladder ... I have no such desire, I'm quite content with what I'm doing right now, coding and automating stuff .. sigh. I get stress onset now when I hear that we are also expected to work "extra time" to achieve extra points and prepare sessions for conferences.
When they start with this in 2025, I guess my days are counted, as this model is constructed to require time outside the normal 40 hours/week .. that is not OK.
Later: Not comfortable with these new profiles and expectations, I'm gonna voice my concerns about this. If everyone is expected to produce materials for sessions on their own time, there is going to be hundreds of hours of unpaid time of preparations to fulfill requirements stipulated by the HR department which cannot be done during work hours as customer and contracted time. Internal time is very limited and has to be requested.
I don't know what happened, when did they become like this? They have a really nice competence and knowledge culture, but all this seems weird now.
Later: Feeling low, sad, disappointed .. with a lingering headache in the back of my head. Raw, torn, a deep worry and stress onset. I don't know what to feel or think, at the moment everything feels like "bleh", want to leave the office and just go home, sleep, deal with this shit some other day. It's probably not as bad as I heard and understood it, I must have misunderstood everything as it can't be this bad, that we are expected to give up our spare time to do work for free, to get points/score to climb some career ladder .. for which I have zero desire.
Later: Still at the office, now with extra nice headache, two streaks from my forehead over the top of my head and back to the base where the neck connects with the head .. lovely. Throbbing headache, son is supposed to come to the office.
Later: Now they actualized the second-line support tasks I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to be doing support for a bunch of customers to which environments I do not have access to, or have been properly on-boarded at. This is aside from development work.
My headache is ringing.
Later: My eyebrows hurt, cramp or whatever is going on .. in conjunction with a now migraine-like headache ..
Was debugging something, it threw errors, which I got past as I corrected whatever was wrong with it .. that was before noon, now it is back, I have achieved nothing.
Sometimes everything feels to useless and worthless, it does not matter what I do, or don't .. it just does not matter. That is how my thoughts goes at least, I know they are wrong and that they are just bad thoughts, I should ignore them, but it is hard to ignore them when they are there constantly, slowly chipping away at my self esteem.
Later: My thinker is b0rked, mushy brain. Migraine.