Medicated depression, day #81
Met with therapist this morning, a quite good session and I got some "home work" to think about til next session. Got a paper with a few bullet point to think about and reflect upon.
Got pulled into a meeting room with my manager, he got some questions about how I feel and how work on the assignment is going, told him about this mornings meeting with the therapist and got him up to date on the work on the assignment. Felt good and he also underlined that our meeting was to check my status and clarify questions he got from above, that it was in no way anything about me getting fired, which is one of my fears, to clarify and calm me.
I explained that it is hard to deliver solutions when two thirds of the expected infrastructure is missing and not yet set up, that counting properties is not a measurement of progress and that SDK-upgrades are tricky as they require more thought than a simple refactoring, as to keep functionality identical but with new code.
My hours reported on the assignment were explained as well, the hours reported are with references to what I worked on, the hours I have written as "Sick" are hours I felt I could not bill to the customer as I had "brain fog" or "mushy brain", when I had troubles forming thoughts or even keeping thoughts. That might have been 4 hours before noon when I was physically at the office but unable to get anything useful done, but another 4 hours in the afternoon when I had got some food and reached a certain level of caffeination .. to get things done and deliver something useful, those days are better for me as I wouldn't be at home, where I'd probably go into spin as I would have nothing at hand, I don't like doing nothing, I need to get some of that creativity out.
Later: had meeting with PL and colleague regarding customer, PL had signaled to my manager that he could not see what I had done the last couple of days, so I explained what had taken time, what I was doing at the moment and what was coming after current task .. colleague is slowly being ejected but has tasks still, working in conjunction with him to solve problems and rework some CI/CD pipelines for deploy, since we have split out a new test environment, this requires some things to be changed when deploying and that is done deploy-time.
My head is chaotic and thoughts are messy. I hope to leave soon, tired. My sleep was 3:40 this night, woke up late and got dressed while running to the bus to get to the therapist .. no breakfast, no coffee.
I agreed to show up for improvised After-work on Friday, as my managers manager and the CEO shows up for recruitment interviews .. and end the day with some restaurant hang out with us at the office. The fact that they were showing up and pre-announced this earlier in the week gave me stress onset .. which I told my manager, who assured me I had nothing to worry about. But still, my thoughts are dark and still touches being fired, just because.
Later: Time is close to 16 and I'm all spent, brain is mush but I'm still trying to rework scripts to fit, old legacy has to be internally visualized to make sense and then be transformed into something useful contemporary solution .. or get scrapped. Version references or variants no longer available or maintained has to be re-imagined, to not inherit old junk but instead bring it upward and forward. Tricky and challenging, but not quite what I need right now.
Eyes itch, a combination of too little sleep and some pollen, I guess.