Medicated depression, day #67
Back at the office, not very inspired or motivated but present physically, need more coffee. There are colleagues having the ritual Wednesday breakfast at the office, but since I didn't add my name to the list, I didn't get any sandwich.
Tomorrow I got the checkup with my manager, the latest checkup meeting got cancelled as the manager had some urgent stuff to deal with .. so two months since last occasion. I don't know what it will be about .. but probably about the career ladder system thingimajiggerbob that we are supposed to dance in .. I'm not interested in climbing any career ladders, I'm interested in solving problems and write code, beautiful code.
At the moment I have thoughts along the lines of not being a fit for the company, not being good enough and not have enough knowledge and skills, I'm on the down-flank of a dip .. not very pleasant.
I know I'm a good fit, I know I have the required competence and have the knowledge and skills, I tick the boxes .. but still I have these thoughts.
Later: Untangling JSON schemas as there is a complete lack of schemas of any kind at the customer, no documentation and just ad-hoc in all current solutions, I'm documenting and isolating schemas and crocheting swagger/openApi documents.
Later: The small wins are doing great for self esteem, I just got stuff to build and deploy, a bit at least. Still some wrinkles to straighten out. With some help, grey matter and fresh eyes from my colleague I got it to pass the step I've been hung on for a while.
Later: Had lunch with the whole group of colleagues, most of us got something to eat from a nearby grocery store, I got a two minced meat chili pies and a small box of cherry tomatoes, just enough to fool my stomach that it had been fed.
Later: Managed to get into "flow", a first in a long time, got shit done and are almost done with the first of three larger tasks, once that is done I can merge/copy most of it to the other two as they are very similar. Then putting large chunks of refactored code up for regression testing.
I still get stuck in thought loops where negative thoughts are played on repeat, I drown them out with loud music, easier to focus for a while, but they are still there, whispered, "You are not good enough, you should just pack up and quit .. "
Later: I just wanna go home, out of energy, flat and dull. Colleagues are going to the next town over for some after-work activities -- beer-sampling, which I cannot participate in as I'm on anti-depressants, zero beers for me, for which I cancelled my participation after signing up back before I got diagnosed and before going on medications. They'll leave soon as they have about a 45 minute travel.
I'm thinking that I would do away with chores early tonight and go to bed early, I'd rather get my hours in and lay awake tomorrow morning than being zombie half the day.
Later: They are starting to talk about beer, I would drink a few with them, if I could have some ..
Later: Everybody left, I'm alone. Tweaking some code, I should leave.
I did some winning today, the long long long upgrade project with all the bells and whistles I've been working on were able to deploy successfully about an hour ago, this is a huge win for me. I should be happy, but aren't, I dunno why, I'm just not happy.