Medicated depression, day #65
I arrived late at the office, tired and ouch-y feet. Had a good talk to colleague in similar situation ("burn out" but actually depression) about how it affects us and how to handle it, said that it was a good feeling to be able to share and speak openly within our group about the problems and feelings. I'm happy if I can be any sort of support for them, as I'd happily accept support from them if needed, together we can get better.
This weekend I was only out once for a grocery run, slept fairly, 10 + 9 hours but then as soon as regular weekdays I sleep crappy, this night only 4:48, not even 5 hours. Tired.
I'll go to the pharmacy today to pick up my new prescription, as I got prescribed a higher dose by the doctor last week, if there would be any negative side effects from the higher dose I should notify the doctor and go back to the lower dose and await response.
I also add D-vitamin each day.
Later: just learned that we have a lunch-meeting with company provided meal about one of the internal systems, sigh, I was at the first session last week, now there is a follow-up session this week, "advanced" or so. I think I'm gonna sit that one out .. as I need to get a proper lunch and also go fetch my medications.
Later: Looking back at my post Depression? written back in November 2023, reading it with kind of new eyes, much of that makes sense now, when diagnosed and on medications. A few weeks later I did a MADRS assessment with a score of 29, "moderate depression", I'm glad I brought it up with my doctor, to shed light on my problems so I could get help solving the problems.
Talked with a friend during the weekend that has been on anti-depressant medications since 2001 or 2002 and are still medicating, that this kinds of things are long hauls. Getting off anti-depressants could be a long process.
Later: I'm not all that happy about meetings stretching into or over lunch hour, where we are assumed to be happy with doing internal stuff as long as we are provided a free (company provided) lunch .. I'd rather have a regular lunch where I have some non-work time while I eat.
Just had a meeting with PL about current tickets, I have a few open and also some blockers where I would need some hand-holding with a colleague to solve problems, working on other tasks while colleague is out for on-site customer meeting in another city, crocheting API definitions and documentation.
Currently the production API is a ad-hoc hodge-podge, zero rhyme or reason and the endpoints are a mess, I'm actually surprised that anything works. By adding structure and order, I can make parts of the API presentable for public consumption, which would be impossible for the current setup. Since no endpoints are public yet, I have the opportunity to re-arrange stuff.
In the future we could even add some simple and purpose-built API endpoints specific for HomeAssistant users as it would be useful for them, this is what I plan on suggesting for the customer, as it would earn them lots of goodwill points.
Later: Great, now we got a time report line for updating our internal CVs. Bleh.
The amount of recruiters that nibble at me has decreased during the winter, before Christmas it was on average 2-3 per week that sent connection request on LinkedIn and offered this and that position with so and so company, since January it has decreased to maybe once a week or less, I suppose it is the market that is a bit slower, more sensitive to inflation and general conjuncture. In Q2 it usually speeds up again. I don't really miss the recruiters that much, when I have to fend them off, like writing polite messages and thank them for showing interest but I'm not interested in their offerings, a few times a week .. sometimes they are a self esteem boost, like "I'm worth something" .. other times it's just "meh".
Later: Had an incident meeting with team members and our first line support, zero new incidents, all the incidents in our inbox are old and are waiting for solution from third party.
Outside there is light snow whirling around, I hope winter could end now and cue spring .. I'm ready for spring, positive degrees and sunglasses.
Later: Just learned that a manager from the other office comes to our office tomorrow, stress onset, as could-be-terminated-thoughts surface, not likely though as I have been planned on things later this week and have my regular manager checkup-meeting on Thursday .. but the thoughts still surface and gives me nervous jitters and negative thoughts that keeps spinning in the back of my head until it has passed ..
Told the PL this morning that I got stuck on a few details but if I got a little time with my colleague, we could probably untangle the mess and get it going .. I related this to the manager coming tomorrow, as a punishment for me being stuck (having a blocker) I would be terminated. Yup, that is how my brain works. Low self esteem-brain doesn't think anything is too low of a reason for kicking me, mentally.