Medicated depression, day #642
Yesterday, I got pulled into a meeting with my manager and a HR-person, they informed me that I got a written notice along with a improvement plan, all of which had to be digitally signed by all parties.
The improvement plan came to be as I lost focus and worked on things not sanctioned or planned, why I really don't know, brain was mush. That was like a month ago, since then I've met with a therapist and dietary professional to tune my diet, apparently the lean keto-like diet I was on made me stupid since there were little to no carbs, after adding carbs by mental state has improved and I'm no longer stupid or have complete mush for brains.
Still, the process lags behind and I had to apologize for my behavior and poor judgement. My manager gave me a verbal warning a month ago, I improved my performance and has been working on it ever since.
I got to hear that they liked me as a person and as a professional, that it's always a learning experience being around me since I usually fill in gaps with information and/or experiences from my broad background, that it is always close to a laugh since I'm a fun guy.
I signed the stuff this morning, accepted three evaluation meetings as far as mid January. I want to work for this company, I want to work with these people.
I need to straighten up my appearance and performance, it isn't rocket surgery, it's just complicated work which I'm good at. I just need to fix all those other things and are affecting me at the moment.
The other day I got thinking about something (which I now have forgotten what it was), thought that "yeah, I gotta blog about this", but went to bed instead as I was so tired from meetings and training. Thoughts gone now, I'll probably remember it if it was important.
[A few minutes later]
The other day I was thinking it might be time to up my dosage with the SSRI medications, as I'd fallen into a fairly deep "hole" again, like "dark thoughts", like when I was stuck in the depression. At the same time I was really drained from a long day at the office, I'm thinking that might be a contributing factor to these feelings and thoughts. If they continue or come back, I'll contact a doctor for consultation and possibly up my dose.
I'm on a fairly low dose (compared to other I've spoken to) and there is a large jump up to the next step. I don't know what an increase in dosage might do to me, if it impacts just my mood or anything else.