Medicated depression, day #62
At the office, a few minutes before 08 .. alone, I don't think any colleagues will be in before 09 .. so me, a cup of coffee and my thoughts.
Sigh, the coffee machine on our floor is a mess, the cleaning tray was missing and it indicated it needed the waste bin emptied, checked and it was at less than 25%, a guy from another company had already done the cleaning procedure but with coffee cups .. as they tray was missing. Emailed the boss lady of the building and her "enforcer", the handyman that the tray is missing and that a set of instructions on the outside of the machine would be a good thing, since there is a lot of people with different skill sets in the building, following instructions are not their strong side, as after the waste bin is emptied, the counter needs to be zeroed and reset, otherwise it will complain when it reached some preset value .. that won't match its actual status. out of sync.
I managed to get about 6 hours of sleep, my fitbit says "Excellent" but I feel like crap, itchy and gunky eyes, pouring in some more coffee as I still feel sleepy and just wanna go back to bed. Bed time early tonight.
Wife and I were talking about my condition, depression, she offered a solution where I should take a few weeks or months off, go to Thailand, study with monks and meditate. Sounds great but I would not want to go alone or leave them back home .. the purpose is to get away from the hamster wheel to get time and space to think, to recharge and to evacuate bad thoughts and fill back with good and positive thoughts. I thanked her for her caring thoughts and said that I'd rather go together with my whole family than go alone.
She got one thing right, that I need some time and space to think, I've had that need since I was a teenager, withdrawing to my room or apartment, twiddling with something while thinking or just spending time with myself. As life has evolved to include a family, less time has been available for these sessions of pondering and reflection, I ping-pong between home and work, being a developer or a father/husband .. but rarely just me alone with my thoughts.
This spring I'll spend more time taking long walks, I've got my rugged headset, unlimited amounts of music and nothing really stopping me. I need to get off some weight and get my general stamina up, then starting to use my bicycle more and when I have used that for a while to get my stamina up even further, I have inlines to zip around on. I need to loose weight before using them as I think there is a weight limit on them, would not want to break them as they were expensive and really hard to get as they were special ordered in large size, EU47/US13. Might need to get new wheels on them though.
Later: Have a meeting soon-ish where a few applications is to be handed over, since I'm going to be on this assignment til at least June, I'm sitting in to get a glimpse of what it is and how it's built ..
Got a brief talk with my mgr yesterday, he had also heard that I'm going to be alone at my assignment and could not understand the reasoning behind that either, he was going to drill into that and ask the planning board what their thoughts were .. since it's know that I suffer from depression and are working on a best-effort plan where I sometimes need to leave and might be off due to issues .. hopefully they assign some more people as they customer wants to have lots of things done ..
Later: twiddling with some code that won't work as expected, I think I've messed up somewhere, as it feels like build and deploy are out of whack, everything looks good by won't run properly. My thinker struggles, abstract thoughts are hard .. my inner chaos is immense.
Later: Still can't get it to work, kinda stuck but too stubborn to let it go and ask for help, this is one of my problems, too stubborn when getting stuck, not giving up and ask for help .. I'm aware of this but can't help to continue to attempt different solutions.
I just wanna go home. Sleep. But probably would not go to bed if I had the chance .. as I find other distractions and stay up instead of going to bed, to keep my mind busy, to not think about uncomfortable things, dark thoughts.
I hope I can make something useful out of this weekend and just not sleep.