Medicated depression, day #59
At the office, a few colleagues this morning. Slept really bad, at most 4 hours, went to bed really late as my inner chaos would not settle, got bored with my self and just went to bed, was laying flat on my back trying to fall asleep for more than an hour.
Today I have a phone appointment with the doctor, discussion about dosage and progress, I'm gonna ask to bump up the dose just a smidge, as I still have some mood swings with deep valleys but no high peaks (happy side) .. but it's up to the doctor to decide what to do. I'm taking pain killers for my back and feet now on a regular basis, gonna ask about that too .. as I might need to refill my prescription for those soon.
My sleeping pattern is really irregular, 3-5 hours during weeks and 8-13 hours on weekends .. which is not particularly efficient, as the whole weekend goes away. Gonna ask the doctor about this too.
I got really sad when wife told me about one of her trainees had cancelled a session, later revealed that the lady's nephew had committed suicide, at age 13. Due to depression. Thirteen. No age. Just a kid. For unknown reasons.
Sometimes I just think "is it really worth it? to strive on, forward, upwards?" .. and most times the answer is "no" as my negative thoughts get to respond faster than the positive thoughts. I'm not suicidal at all, I'm far too stubborn to be suicidal, but thoughts touch the subject from time to time but never crossing over. Those moments are really dark and uncomfortable, but I actively ignore those, "lalalalalalala, can't hear you" ..
Later: my feet are throbbing, no direct pain or so, just throbbing .. making me remember I got them. Just from walking this morning, a few hundred meters on flat ground. I hope it doesn't get worse, last week I had a really bad "foot day" .. bone-on-bone pain sort of, stabbing pain. Pain killers and some rest and sleep and they were pain free ..
Later: Just talked to my new doctor, the old one quit or was terminated by contract, my dosage was upped, from 10mg to 20mg, new prescription was sent and I would contact them back if there would be any problems or side effects of the new dosage .. booked new follow up meeting in mid/end of June. Doctor thought I was correct in my assumptions about still having bad thoughts surfacing and that the upped dosage would reduce that as well as improve my appetite, told them it had actually decreased since I started medicating ..
Later: Tomorrow I have my therapy session, looking forward to it as I always feel really good afterwards, the therapist is asks me tricky questions and I need to think and respond, reflect and ponder, also there is some issues we need to go over to discuss or reflect upon, those are not that funny .. like my moms illness, work situation and other things that have a negative ring to it .. but on the other hand, if I don't think about them they won't go away anyway, it's better to process and be done with the icky stuff too.
I'm still worried about the fact that I'll be alone with the current customer assignment, just me and the PL .. and then some of the infra guys but they are only in for a short interlude while they sketch out some of the missing infra .. not sure they will even do that or if they'll just drop a powerpoint and leave for me to implement .. I have zero insights into how this will be.
Discussed an interesting problem with a colleague, back filling a statistics table from two different sources where the crunched result is stored in table for easy access .. but retrieving the source data, for the correct periodicity and crunch it and store it to a table is massive, as there is thousands of entries times each months of 6 years ..