Medicated depression, day #58
Back at the office, I was sick on Friday, migraine rumble in the morning and I took pain killers in an attempt to mitigate it .. did not work so I notified my colleagues about it, slept for 10+ hours on Friday, Saturday was rain and gloom and I slept for 11 hours, Sunday were similar, almost 13 hours of sleep.
So, most of the weekend were slept away. Still had time to hang out with son and wife.
I got a few occasions of angst, where I got stuck in loops that lasted for a few minutes each .. where everything felt hopeless, worthless and dark. Sadness afterwards.
Have therapy session on Wednesday, gonna ask about dosage, as it doesn't block out swings as well as earlier, feels like allover mood has sunken a bit the last two weeks.
Later: PL and colleague dropped that colleague will from April 1st be 100% on another customer, leaving me as sole developer on customer, PL were a bit perplexed that the resource planning group had done this when they know I need to have a backup, due to depression as I may need days off.
I got slight stress onset from this, the thought of being alone on the customer is giving me low-key angst, as I do not have the connections that my colleague have had with the business nor vendors .. which is needed to be proficient, colleague has ran this customer by himself for the last year or more.
PL asked about my weekend and I said I had slept away most of if it.
Later: I have explicitly avoided to go on sick leave, but instead work at capacity, as much as I can .. but with this planning it adds stress and puts more "weight" on me. Not comfortable.
Later: Mentally detached from reality .. or rather, daydreaming. I was in a weekly incident meeting and we got a few questions, talked about handovers with the support guys and how they want it, another reminder that my colleague is on his way out from the customer .. not happy.
Later: Son's mentor called, she was pleasantly surprised with how well things had been going since we last spoke, I have them hint about how to get him to stay on track and focused, with simple written instructions so he can pick up when/if he loose track, since ADHD. Apparently is has helped a lot along with the hearing protection "ear-shields" he's using in class, as it sometimes gets noisy as the other kids are discussing and sometimes screaming at each other. She had only positive things to tell, which is good. I brought up my discovery, that son didn't know how to do multiplication on paper .. that he wrote the numbers as if he would calculate, but then proceeded to calculate it in his head .. impressive, but often wrong, she thought it was interesting, I said I was surprised by the fact .. and are planning to do more math with him to teach him methods that he might have previously missed out on ..
Later: I'm still struggling with some code, haven't got the capacity to untangle that today so I'm shifting to something else .. it feels like my capacity is drained after lunch, like the mind gets dull or blunt after a few hours of working .. scary thought. If I change and do something else it's like I have capacity for that as it is different from the first task.
Later: Learned during the weekend that my mom has a new metastasis in her leg, same leg where they amputated a toe earlier, they have done radiation treatment on her other metastasis, head and groin .. not sure they are going to try radiation on this third one .. it's a bit like she has given up, as the treatment takes a huge toll on her energy and over all health. She dropped earlier that she wont live til Christmas .. in her own words. That hurt like hell, but I can understand her, the latest 30 years she have had chronic pain from rheumatism ..