Medicated depression, day #561
Went to visit dad today, he's holding up .. but a little sad from time to time when reminded mom isn't there any longer. Dad has done most of the arrangements for the funeral already, date set, church and venue for post-funeral coffee. Flowers and have started to send out invitations to some family friends.
Dad and I discussed which friends who would be likely to show up, since mom lived across the country when young and have some school friends that might be interested .. her half-siblings have been .. less than responsive, which is disappointing. An ex-spouse of one of her half-brothers has rsvp'd .. haven't met her since .. early 2000's something.
I told dad today that I kind of feel ashamed that I don't feel more sadness about moms passing, OTOH we have known for quite some time that she would pass away, as her cancer progressed quite quickly.
She were mobile, up and walking, in the beginning of March, she fell and hit her head and went to the hospital with ambulance, were at the hospital for two weeks, as she was more or less bed-bound at the hospital, she were transported home with a special transporter, to a waiting hospital bed in their living room as that was the only room that fit a large hospital bed, from there she was bed-bound and had a team of nurses serving her a few times every day, she also had a separate team that handled the palliative aspect of her care .. and then also the night patrol, that checked on her twice every night. They kept her doped up on pain medications and removed most other medications as they focused on having her pain-free. Between mid-March and end of July, her cancer progressed rapidly and the toxins from the cancer made her mushy in the head, or it might have been metastases in her brain, she mostly slept or dozed, sometimes mumbled something or took part in discussion, depending on her energy levels.
Sunday morning a week ago, her body gave out and she passed.
The whole family were gathered around her, we all said our good byes, later the undertaker and his assistant wrapped mom up in a sheet, moved her from the bed to a gurney and wheeled her out to their hearse. Days following people arrived to get the bed back and various lifting equipment, medication cabinet and an assortment of gear they had brought in earlier.
Dad was a bit relieved to not having strangers arrive to the house at all hours and just walk in as they had keys and special locks on the door. Now it's just dad and the dog.
He appreciated our visit today, we talked about mom and brought up some fun memories, laughed .. went silent and remembered she wasn't with us any longer .. remembered something fun, discussed it and laughed.
It made me feel better about it as well, as I still feel a bit ashamed that I don't feel more .. I blame the anti-depressive medication and also having a long time to prepare for her passing.