Medicated depression, day #51
Late to office, had to take it a little slower today due to sore feet, took pain medications before breakfast and they kicked in when I was about to leave.
Met parents during weekend, mom was tired from lack of sleep but up and about, dad was on about problems with the IP-TV box as some channels were glitchy. Mom was telling about her cancer treatment, how it makes her tired and drains her energy, she's lost a lot of weight as she has zero appetite and doesn't eat due to having nausea from medications, but it is getting a little better each day. Had a good time hanging out with them on Saturday.
Sunday was mostly spent in bed as I was very tired, got almost 11 hours of sleep as I dozed in and out of sleep while listening to podcasts, some episodes I restarted twice as I didn't hear the beginnings or the ends.
Have had a few episodes of dark thoughts, plunged into a really dark hole after mom had mentioned that is was her last year with us and almost had a panic-attack on Sunday while thinking about it, deep sorrow, very sad. Thought about the changes at work, where we are expected to work full time on customer assignments and produce conference material on the side on our own time .. stress-levels up from that. Need to talk to my manager about that, that I won't participate in such work and the mere expectations of that raises stress-levels and causing angst.
Medications have taken the edges off, no deeper "valleys" nor "peaks", just they daily "meh". I can live with that, the extremes are very exhausting as they trip me up and I spend hours worrying about things that are useless or minor things.
Later: During a daily I lost my train of thoughts, brain is acting up, colleagues noticed but were helpful leading me back, I just blanked out on stuff I should know as the back of my hand .. weird.
Later: I'm 4 cups of coffee deep and have trouble focusing. Need to have some lunch and a short break to be able to re-focus.
Later: Yet another meeting where I lost my thoughts, don't care as it was just a comment about an external service but lost it mid-flight .. brain is mushy and doing re-takes on thoughts.
Later: Working on stuff that requires deep focus, not succeeding. I know what is missing and what needs correction but have a hard time getting it done.
Later: I started with something else, migration documentation, not actually needed right now but will be needed in the near future as we're upgrading and migrating stuff for the customer. Separating, segregating and scoping to increase security and keep unrelated stuff apart.
Later: Still having a hard time focusing, scrambled brain.
Later: Untangling complicated code seems to be my thing or superpower, not much thinking, getting it done anyway.
Later: Someone from the healthcare system called me but I didn't see or hear them calling, missed the call, switch board number .. so I can't call back. It could be any of the centers I've been in contact with, blood donation center, heart-lung center, general health center or psych-center .. None of them have made any bookings this week, so I really don't know.
I feel sad and empty, I can't brain properly. I'm getting stressed out because I can't get anything done, stress even lowers my productivity as I already have a hard time to brain which in turn adds more stress. Evil circle.
I need to break it, I try to shift focus, re-focus on other things that needs to be done and then back when I get some kind of flow, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I hate to sit idle so I keep busy with something at all times, not necessarily what I'm supposed to work on but related to it in large, to circle back later and work on it some more.
My inner being is very chaotic at the moment. Feet hurts. Brain hurts.