Medicated depression, day #482
I stayed home today, I did not go to work. When I woke up I felt like shit and had a ringing head ache going, so I just had a light breakfast and went back to bed, to rest.
Why this? Well, my mom called late last night, well after the time where you normally call people, like this-is-an-emergency-late call, but she were just requesting me to call her in the morning, at 07:00 sharp. I missed that as I overslept and had massive head ache.
I called parents later, to check if they wanted us to come over to visit, sure, Saturday around lunch time.
Mom have in the past week called me several times, to talk about nothing, she's just frustrated from being bed-bound after she fell and hit her head, she went to the hospital and stayed for a few days as they discovered an infection that likely caused her to faint, sepsis. Medicated and somewhat healed she was sent home.
Within a week she went from being switched on and conscious, to being demented and messy in the head, she writes small notes on torn off papers, just scribble. She hands them out to us and says it is important this and important that. She got full blown panic when my brother and his girlfriend were leaving at the end of the weekend, mom started to scream and shout about wanting to leave together with them, as if she would follow them to their city across the country, live with them as they live on the fourth floor without an elevator, she'd bed-bound.
Everybody was against her, most of all my father, dad, who has done everything for her .. but to her, she's kept locked in, kidnapped or similar.
Also, according to her, she's well and has no illness, not even mentioning her 35+ metastasis around her body. "I faked it, I'm actually well and fine. I faked it all."
Everything are mysteries, mom spends some nights thinking and pondering about things, when she was at the hospital she called dad at 03:15 to say that she had realized and found the solution, called again at 05:00-ish .. to repeat the same thing. Fell asleep and woke up at 08:15-ish, remembered nothing about what was so important.
When I called them last Friday and talked to dad, she broke into our call as we usually do them in speaker-phone mode, reminding me to "bring the keys, it's important, bring the keys.." .. I had no idea about what keys and why I should bring them and just to appease her I responded that I would bring them .. to be completely forgotten about when we showed up, never mentioning any keys.
I'm sad, stressed and kind of already grieving my mom, she's still around but she's not the mom I grew up with, she's a shell, an empty vessel with broken firmware.
I really appreciate the short moments when she is clear and her mind works, her eyes become alive and she's a thinking person. The other times her eyes are kind of glossed over and I don't see the twinkle and a person inside.
I love mom. She turns 85 this fall, if she survives that long. Her plan, ambition and wish is to survive long enough to see my brother new born in mid-July.
I really hope she does. I love you mom.