Medicated depression, day #40
This morning I woke up late, as son came in and talked to me, informed me what the time was and said that he would leave early, made breakfast and took the bus into town, arrived at the office about 20 minutes before first meeting.
As I was sipping on my coffee and waiting for my manager to connect to the meeting I read some social media posts, manager connected and we exchanged greetings, meeting ended a minute later as manager needed to deal with some private stuff, he'd call me back later.
I slept for about 7 hours and 20 minutes, I'm feeling hungover, like I was out partying all night, beginning of a headache and itchy eyes.
Last night we had this little internal event at the office, Arduino-hack, were us old timer's (7 guys at an average of 45+) fiddled with Arduino boards for a few hours while having pizza and no-buzz (0%) beer.
I thought a bit about the therapy session yesterday while talking to wife, how I felt about my mom having cancer, my fears, my sorrow. There is of course other things as well, but this, the cancer, is a contributing factor to me having these bad thoughts and angst. Explained to the therapist that "if I'd die today, I'd die with a smile on my lips" to which they reacted with "oh, really" and I went on to explain that I knew it might sound macabre but that I've had a pretty good ride this far, I have had food in my belly, a roof over my head and now have a family of my own and know they are provided for if I'd suddenly fall off the face of the earth, all Maslow's corners of the square covered. The therapist found this funny and agreed, but asked if I had any thoughts about actually "falling off the face of the earth", "nah, I'll plan to stick around for quite some time, zero suicidal thoughts, but you never know when that bus attacks you ..", therapist laughed as we had talked about the bus-factor.
Therapist said is sounds like I'm on my way back to a normal and healthy psyche .. I'm pretty sure it'll take some more time as I still get these periods of dark and bad thoughts, where my self esteem goes negative and my mood swings to deep sadness.
Later: The headache rumble in the back of my head is getting worse, there is pain killers at the office but it's a bit late as point-of-no-return has been passed already. I got a few flashes of pain in my forehead a half hour ago, which is a sure sign of that point-of-no-return has been passed.
Later: Colleague arrived at the office before lunch, had lunch together and had some interesting talks, their assignment ends today.
Later: Son arrived at the office, leaving some 10 minutes early.