Medicated depression, day #33
Yesterday was eventful, a colleague is quitting and we had sort of a kick-out lunch for him, sad to see him go but happy he got a great opportunity with another employer, our niche is small so we will probably bump into each other at some time in the future .. or he'll come back later and rejoin the company.
Also went to a parents meeting at sons school, there is turbulence in class and the teachers summoned all parents to discuss a plan of action, really good meeting and it felt like all parent were onboard with the solutions we came up with. No kids can point at other and say "but he/she is allowed" as parents are to set limits in some kind of consensus so they can answer "no, child X is not allowed to stay out until 11 at night" and similar.
Today, I'm alone at the office, sipping coffee and parsing mail, drilling into a problem where we have found a machine (server) nobody knows anything about nor is documented .. so, tempted to just shut it down and listen for screams. Like a hard smoke-out test, either it is used for something or nothing, it shuffles some 40Mb/hours outbound so it is doing something.
Bad thoughts had been mostly absent the last couple of days, only resurfaced when I had some time to think while attempting to solve problems at work, thoughts tumbling in the back of my head, "why don't you just quit? You're not good enough." on repeat .. I actively ignore it.
Watched some clips yesterday about mental health, checked all the boxes for Imposter-Syndrome and depression, so still not out of the woods .. eventually I will get rid of it and be well, with a somewhat restored self esteem and confidence in my self and my abilities.
Later: About lunch time and I have zero desire to eat, I know I should eat something but I really don't want to as I'm alone at the office and have no one to talk to during lunch break, no appetite either and not hungry.
Later: Got some real work done, managed to focus and write some code. I think listening to music is the way to get into the zone and keep focus, it blocks out everything else, just me, the problem and the code. But I'm closing in on blockers, missing pieces of infrastructure making it hard/impossible to continue.