Medicated depression, day #30
Tomorrow marks 1 month since I was diagnosed with depression, later today I'm going on a doctors appointment for a check up.
During this month there has been a few things that has changed, most of the bad thoughts are gone, even though they might resurface occasionally but they are transient, temporary, they don't stay for very long. I'm sleeping slightly better and feel slightly more relaxed and rested.
I'm sweating more while I sleep, normal room temperature or just below, still dripping with sweat. Daytime I just feel feverish, but took a few temperature readings with the ear-thermometer before leaving home, conclusive: no fever, not even close. But still feeling warm and sticky, doctors appointment is probably going to be stinky with body odor, that is my worries right now, the doctor probably won't mind, he's been in worse situations, heck I showered last night so it's not like it's weeks old sweat or anything, just a few hours.
At the office, head is empty and I have to push myself to do minor tasks, zero creativity and zero desire to work. I've looked at the code I refactored last week and I have a hard time to interpret my changes to the code, the what and why, I feel stupid, the bad thoughts are creeping in, "you're not competent enough", "this is above your abilities, just quit".
I try to shake them off.
Later: Manager popped into the office, we're now two souls at the office, had a brief talk about my depression and my review from the customer, they were only good reviews, customer is happy, even though I haven't been able to deliver all that much practical stuff, I've raised questions about infrastructure and security in general and were trying to insert an architect into the project as the customer lacks a defined path, along with an acute lack of policies and secure architecture. Which is what I've been trying to promote through my questions.
Later: In a daily, had to explain why I had blockers and did not make progress since last week, most of it is infrastructure dependent and we have not received feedback, but also that I've had days where I could not brain properly, PL asked me to notify him when and if I had such days, so he could cover for me which is a good thing, we're on a slow but steady track. All my code compiles fine, deployment are pending infrastructure and there is outstanding questions about the infrastructure which are blockers and has to be solved before able to properly deploy into the new environment.
Later: Manager reminded me about the monthly meeting, company provides food for our time during lunch while informing us about current events and status, so I'll get a fried rice with chicken, thai-style dish for lunch. I need to be at the doctors appointment at 13 .. it might collide.
Later: Doctors appointment went well, continuation of the depression treatment with medications and a followup in about a month, this particular doctor is young and eager, observant and caring, but he's quitting within the month, as the next meeting will be a phone-meeting and with somebody else .. he was a bit vague about his employment with the care center, but I wished him good luck and thanked him. He also renewed prescriptions which I got at the pharmacy close to the office on my way back, I don't know but greeted the pharmacist lady when I left with "have a nice weekend" .. eh, it's Monday.
Later: Alone at the office, attempting to brain a little, not having success. Gonna sketch up some infrastructure as a little side-project. Thoughts are scattered, train of thoughts have derailed, repeatedly. I assume I've made things more complicated than necessary.