Medicated depression, day #295
I've just existed for the last couple of days.
Mood-wise I oscillate around "meh", somewhere in the middle, not sad, not happy, just meh. But I've had a few detractors lately, that has subtracted from my mood, stuff that had made me really sad and I'm back at the edge of the abyss.
Sometimes everything seems so useless and for naught, like nothing matters. No matter what I do or what others do, my mind downplays everything to "well, it could have been worse .." and "we're just scraping by .."
I think I need to talk to my doctor about this, maybe up my dosage as I still slip into dark thoughts and negative thinking from time to time.
Also, been talking to a few friends with experiences, I checked a questionnaire for Testosterone deficiency, I check most boxes. So I'm gonna ask my doctor to test for this as well, if the doctor doesn't or refuses I have a private clinic lined up to do that testing instead. I'm pretty sure after reading a bunch about it that some/most/many of my problems stem directly or indirectly from low levels of T.
My sleep fluctuates wildly again. Anything between 2.5 to 10 hours of sleep, while working part time (2 hours/day) I often need to go home and sleep for about 2 hours, then able to function until bedtime. The days I don't do this, taking the nap, I fall apart around 8 or 9 .. if I stay awake past 10 I'm often not sleepy again until 02 or 03. I try to be consistent with sleep time but sometimes I somehow self-sabotage myself and stay up way too late.
I've fallen asleep at my desk at work, just from exhaustion from thinking complex thoughts, abstract thoughts seems to be very expensive energy-wise, like when I think about interconnected office networks where S2S-VPNs and LAN IP-ranges need to work in harmony and at the same time separate different zones as some usage are very different from regular office-browsing. Even writing about this now makes me shut down from thinking about this, doze off for like half a minute.
My desk neighbor at the office, who has not been assigned since August had enough and accepted a new employment with a larger company, without saying anything, not even hint about it .. as we're kind of close and talk about anything .. but this, were also kept from me. I totally understand why they went this route, being "benched" for several months while the sales guys works on finding something, often on individual basis is tedious, takes time and might also end up being a wrong fit, as the sales guys are not always in on the details or aware about details. I have already wished them good luck, even though they are going to be around at least two more weeks.