Medicated depression, day #27
Overslept somewhat this morning and got up to have some breakfast, arrived at the office just after 8, alone, not much chance there will be that many in today, just my next desk neighbor P.
Motivation is close to zero this morning, as the inner chaos is roaring loud, letting cup 3 & 4 of coffee go into orbit hoping it will help.
Had some really bad thoughts yesterday, where my rich inner storyteller fantasized up some story about me getting terminated at work as I had fulfilled my work on upgrading and refactoring code for a customer, the customer were happy as everything worked and nothing more needed to be done, I got 20 minutes to clear my desk and leave, or I'd be escorted out.
Stuff like that, my imagination is running wild at times and none if it is true, but these fantasies wind up in the negative thoughts drawer and are put on repeat. I know these situations would never occur, as contracts with customers don't work like that and there is laws about job terminations, but still it rubs and blisters as it spins in my mind, as much as I almost believe in it, though fully aware it is just bad thoughts.
The medication I'm almost 4 weeks into, have taken the edge of most of these thoughts, they are less common but still occur at times where I'm extra low, meds have taken off the edges, both highs and lows, won't be that happy and won't be that sad either. Less feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, but they still occur.
My therapist were curious about my blogging but agreed it's a good way of processing thoughts, putting words on thoughts, getting them out of my system. I also told them about my earlier experience with angst and how I dealt with it, through IRC and discussing with people all over the world, basically were we took turns telling our stories or thoughts, suggesting solutions or just being there, listening, comforting, supporting the person on the other end, even though completely or semi-anonymous and possibly on the other side of the world. It worked for me at least and I think it worked for others I talked to, some of them I'm still in contact with, even though on the other side of the world and 15 years later.
The therapist asked other questions as well, who I am as a person and who I am in my relationship with wife, son, other family as I had told them about my family, I had a hard time describing my self and the relationships, without sounding completely emotionless, it's kinda weird to talk about emotions and feelings and to describe them with words to a third party so they can understand, as it is all internal and in my mind.
I'm thinking about this and trying to process this, to come up with a good way of describing my feelings and thoughts, love, loyalty, friendship and family bonds. Also friendships.
Later: I looked through some of the code I produced yesterday and I can't wrap my head around some of the things .. feels like I'm low on mental capacity this morning, mushy and foggy brain, even after more coffee.
It doesn't feel fair to invoice the customer for time I can't brain, so I'm reporting 3 hours of sick time for this, as my trains of thought keeps derailing en masse.
Later: Head is still spinning, can't get any productive thoughts to form. Maybe I should just declare this day as "sick" and leave the office.
Later: It felt like it was much later in the day than it actually was, I'm disappointed, I was looking forward to go home. This head ache is no fun.