Medicated depression, day #25
I was on my second therapy session this morning, interesting questions and I had a hard time answering some of the questions, "Who are you, emotionally?".
I tried to describe the relations I have with my family, wife, son, parents, my brother and then friends, it was hard, what bonds and relations that were really important to me. Some dark thoughts still surface, but not as often as earlier and I also told the therapist about the competence session about "Imposter Syndrome" that I attended on friday .. and what I told the person holding that session, as feedback and discussion.
No direct conclusions, more like putting finger on certain issues and pointing in certain directions, I've processed some thoughts around low self esteem, even though and contrary to actually having a very broad technical base of knowledge and experience. Told therapist about some of the areas I more or less drilled into and have gained expertise level knowledge in, therapist were amused that I could recite parts and chunks from my mind in technical areas I worked with years ago .. but at the same time have angst about not being competent enough. Silly thoughts.
Bad thoughts come and go, I can't really control it, I can work against them and attempt to shake them off, with various success .. sometimes it works by just refocusing on something else for a few minutes, other times it requires more, like a full reset, going home, having dinner with family, sleep and wake up for a new day.
The medication have removed the peaks and the valleys pretty much, I'm left with a mood somewhere in the mid-field, no real happiness, no real sadness. Sadness is the part the draws me down into the hole, where I feel worthless, where I feel that nothing I do is worth anything, where my strive forward and upward is futile, "it's for nothing", "you'll not making it better", "pointless", "things won't change anyway" .. and so on.
I think I'm too stubborn to give up, I've been stubborn all my life, I wouldn't have succeeded with anything unless I had been stubborn .. but still having these thoughts running through my mind on repeat is tiring and destructive .. as I might think they are true, even though I know they are false. They cast doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt my abilities.
All these doubts are wrong. All of them. All.