Medicated depression, day #219
Were up really early, had a shower and started the day with breakfast with son, followed son to his lane change on the bus .. I was early to the office, very early, like two hours early.
KC came to the office to greet our new hire and give them laptop, phone and short intro. I went into meeting with KC and colleague to discuss my position within this new internal assignment and team - went pretty well as I've talked to both of them separately and they had spoken to each other as well, so it was just make sure we all agreed.
New assignment starts effectively NOW, tomorrow colleague and I will be checking that I have access and credentials for everything needed, then start to look at backlog, to find stuff to work on, or drill deeper into if they have some complexity, break them down into smaller pieces/tasks.
The internal project I worked on previously, is just down prioritized as KC need to read up on my suggestions, check them with some other developers and decide which path to take, as much of the problem the application had was that it was forgotten and ill-maintained, zero LCM as well as zero documentation, the source code WAS/WERE the documentation, so I suggested to document it better as well as making it generalized and rule-based so it would be easier to maintain.
I've been home for about three hours, twiddling with stuff, waiting for son to arrive home, haven't laid down to rest, even though I want to.
Later: Had lunch-ish with son, went to rest after we ate and he went to a friends place across the yard. Didn't sleep but listened to some podcasts and just drifted a bit, nice to not have to think, just listen.
There is a few questions I need to bring up with HR and KC tomorrow, check if they ever opened a case for me with the insurance company .. so I can utilize the therapy option they have there, I don't feel that I need it that much but I would like to have it available, for when I feel down and sad.
My thinker is dull, it has only limited amount of energy and when using it actively I quickly run out of energy. I hope it last for the two hours per day that is my current working hours, that I can think up cool shit from whatever I see when I start gnawing at the backlog .. some user stories are a headline or title, "fix X" sort of, those I have to drill into a bit to fill out with more information and add tasks to them before starting to work on them, they need more and better automation in every aspect, more eagle-eye view of things as well.
I'm able to work with stuff that doesn't require abstract thinking but rather "A gives B, B gives C .." that sort of thinking, in chains .. but my internal visualizing of more complex structures and relations only works for short periods and I have to go rest after a while.
Most sad thoughts are gone, it fluctuates at times, it feels like I stand on the edge of an abyss of endless sadness and it pulls me in slowly .. if I manage to break out of that I can be fine and the day will go on as if nothing ever happened, if I fall into it .. I'm sad for the reminder of the day, sad like everyone-around-me-fell-down-dead.
I'm not much of a crier, but a good cry once in a while can be good, like ugly-crying, sobbing, swollen red face, I haven't really had any reasons lately, I cried when grandmother died in 2006, when a childhood friend headbutted a camper truck and died in 2010 and when both a friend and a friend/colleague died March 14 2015, news about both deaths within 20 minutes, that was a heavy day in particular.
I hope I don't get such bad news in a long time, it would erase the last couple of months progress in a whim .. that would be really bad.