Medicated depression, day #215
Woke up early today, had breakfast and made sure son got to the bus on time, finished up breakfast and got to the bus as well.
On the bus I almost fell asleep, had to fight my eyelids, the wanted to close all the time. At the office I had a double cup of coffee, that made me somewhat more awake. Notices when I entered the office that it was unlocked and the light was on .. not good. Wrote a sour comment in the office chat that we, all need a security drill, as there might be sensitive stuff at the office and it would be a protocol breach if left unlocked.
Learned that my therapist did not think I had a depression when reading back in my medical journal, which is weird since she referred to depression and other mental states when we last spoke. Makes me a little sad that they did not listen properly, that they stopped listening after I explained that I wasn't suicidal, that I'm far too stubborn to take that way out. They kind of lost interest, I was not broken enough.
The KC threw me a surprise meeting the other day, as in "hey, today we're gonna talk about your health and feelings", felt a bit weird but I guess they follow a manuscript of sorts, I answered their questions and explained how I felt about stuff, they also asked about the manager that was at the office, that I have had fears about, how that felt.
I responded that it didn't feel anything special or particular, as I've de-dramatized their presence, earlier I got a very high stress onset if KC or that particular manager were at the office, to the point where I almost did not function, that has changed and I'm cool with the being there since I understand why they are there, they are not there to fire me or terminate my employment.
Today I worked on some other parts of the project I've been handed, as I wait for KC and others to make decisions about which path we will go with the project. I boiled down hard coded stuff into a rule-based configuration that would work in theory, or at least be the base of a configuration file that might control how stuff is done. While looking at the old code I also saw that the code were threaded and parallelized in a way that is totally unnecessary and total overkill for the specific task the project is set to solve.
Having all the threads running in parallel might be sexy from a developers point of view, but makes it difficult to debug and there is no time critical parts that limits the functionality in any way. Running threads in serial, consecutive would not hurt it at all and would make debugging easier and possibly faster.
KC dropped the idea that this project maybe would be possible to sell as-a-service to the other daughter-companies as they would be interested in pretty much the same information, yet another argument to generalize the code and built functionality through configuration. Reminded KC that this has to have an LCM plan where someone has to adjust and configure as the world changes around it, KC nodded.
I get these dark thoughts from time to time, where everything feels hopeless and pointless, where I'm thrown into an abyss of sadness, I can't really explain it .. I just feel so empty. To be thrown back into reality where wife and son rely and depend on me, they are the pillars I need to prop up myself on, to get my nose above the waterline.
I do my best to not show how I feel, how hollow I am.