Medicated depression, day #171
Went to rest a bit, to watch a few YT clips. Fell asleep and slept for two hours, now up and about just after midnight.
My sleep is worse, I don't dream as much, I'm working on squeezing more hours in. I'm just gonna be up for an hour now, before going back to bed. I need to sync up and maintain normal bed times, to function with society and people around me. It's better to do this and have short naps during the day instead of flipping the day and sleep away the daylight.
I used to have to get my creativity out somehow, since I was diagnosed and maybe before that I've been numb, just blank. I have ideas of what I want to do but not the energy or the gusto to get anything done. This saddens me, as I used to have several projects running simultaneously, working on them as I had a few minutes here and there, to keep on top of things in my field of work, to drill down into new technology and try stuff, draw experience.
None of that happens anymore, as the mushy brain is working against me. I just exist sometimes, zero ideas, zero thoughts, just breathing, producing pee.
The light is on, but nobody home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
I consider myself "high-functioning" as I'm able to do stuff, even though brain is mushy. But thoughts are sticky and not flowing as before, I forget stuff, I can remember but have a hard time recalling stuff like I forgot the path, or how to fetch a specific memory. I have sometimes hard to find words, stumble, long quiet pauses where I try to figure out what I was about to say just before I lost words ..
I don't like this. This is not who I am, I was this guy with snappy responses, with great ideas, thinking outside the box and could come up with wild and radical but valid solutions to complicated problems, now it is just sludge at the bottom of the bucket.
I'm missing the therapy sessions, it feels like I don't focus as much as when I was challenged with tricky questions, also I felt seen, validated as having problems, self esteem dips and mushy brain. Most of the sessions dealt with the self esteem and what led up to the depression, I think Covid-19 had some role in it, as I tested positive in November, Isolated for 10 days and then went back to work, at work there were less than favorable developments as a customer asked me to complete something before new years, I put the time in and completed, as requested. Only to the hear that "oh, that wasn't how they meant it", as the customer was unhappy with the effort and according to KAM their budget got wrecked.
Well, if you got a shoe string budget and are requesting to get something fixed, get an estimate of 3 x 8 hours, then get mad that it got invoiced, 24 hours, if that wrecks your budget, get fucked.
I took this very personal and already were low on self esteem, then hearing that the customer might cancel their agreement because of me overdrawing their budget, when they clearly asked for things to get done by a certain date .. that sent me into a tail spin. That was end of December and early January.
I got diagnosed with just a few points under "severe depression" on January 20.
I think Covid-19 played a part in this too, as after being diagnosed I had a hard time focusing and had increasing problems with mushy brain and were almost narcoleptic at work, some days when I was alone at the office I fell asleep sitting up, possibly an hour at a time. Other times I fell asleep next to a colleague, who didn't noticed that I was gone for 20, 30 minutes or so.
About the same time I started to have other symptoms, back pain and needles and pins in my legs, creeping sensations and numbing of parts of my legs, thighs. I think I have some sort or variant of Long-Covid.