Medicated depression, day #164
I woke up from a nightmare, 07:34 .. it was very real and it bothered me very much, as it was about my ex mother, that she had been very much up in my face with her genitals .. and the dream was set in time about when I suspect my ex started cheating (which is something I assumed happening but never got any proof of) ..
I looked at the clock and thought it was too early to roll out of bed, fell asleep again, dreamed about renovating a house at the shore in Japan, one of those abandoned houses you could get for next to nothing.
Woke up just after 11 and rolled out of bed, hungry. Made noodles for me and son, son kept on watching TV so the noodles went cold.
Dreams can affect the whole day, I still feel an ick. Ex-MIL is nice, we have never had such interactions, nor would I be interested either, but this dreams were very disturbing to me, as it feels like I've betrayed and cheated on my wife .. bothered.
I have a hard time getting things done, my bank has been trying to get my attention, to log in to the bank to read something, I think some payments bounced and they are trying to get my attention for that reason. Have actively ignored it for a few days, as my brain feels mushy and can't really deal with that now. I know I mush, since I need to move some money around to cover for other things, like go shop for groceries and such, all food at home is gone. Need to replenish.
But I feel that I have zero energy, a mentally uphill battle to get going. I know the energy is there, but my brain says it can't be done.
I know it's lying, telling lies and blames everything but itself.
Later: Checked at the bank notices, yup .. it was something that bounced, I fixed it and there is enough money on the account to cover the ones that bounced .. and then some, as we were a little extra lazy today, we're ordering something for delivery, it was ages ago, like last year or something. It'll be a small surprise for son.
Looking through the financials and the economicals, it feels like meh, there wasn't enough salary coming in last month that it made a huge dent in savings, my buffer account that I use to save and invest in our housing is now seriously low, some time ago I had like €10K .. now it's more like below €1K .. there were lots of holes to put money in last year, it almost depleted the buffer, I've looked into renovating or fix up certain things in our apartment but that have to wait ..
I'm frugal enough to not wanting to open up another loan for renovating the kitchen, it would need new flooring, new white wares as they are 10+ years already, next year September marks 10 years since we moved in, some of the equipment were installed long before that, I don't know the age of freezer and fridge, but the freezer have already given up, it had troubles keeping -21°C for long term storage, it struggled and threw alarms when falling down to -15°C ... then -8° .. and then it couldn't even maintain -4°C. About that time we had already gotten a small freezer with a top-lid, moved stuff over and threw other stuff that wasn't fresh any longer. A Fridge/Freezer combo as the one we have is like €1.5K to €2.5K depending on level of fanciness and manufacturer. I refuse to go with anything "smart", as it is typical to either get pwned, break or brick, or all of above in no particular order. Dumb-as-a-brick, do-only-one-thing-but-do-it-good type of equipment.