Medicated depression, day #145
Woke up early this morning, as son were kicking me in his sleep.
It's cold and rainy outside, blech, won't go out.
Still very tired, have been exposing myself to sunlight, just to get some amount of light on me, even though gray and rainy.
On my second cup of coffee and I'm feeling like going back to bed, not enough caffeine in orbit and just about zero motivation today.
Plans for tomorrow is going down town for lunch with son as he misses the BBQ party at the youth club this evening due to football practice and he were like "I'm may attend both if I'm quick enough .." .. nope, he's gonna be sweaty and messy showing up for BBQ, so no. I promised him a visit to his favorite restaurant, mix of Asian styles including Sushi, which is a favorite, he ate 20 pieces last visit.
The football practice might be cancelled this evening - not sure yet.
I've been teasing myself with reverse engineering stuff on Youtube, in an attempt to hold slightly more advanced thoughts in my head, I lost focus a few times but could follow along quite well, but still with some stress onset.
I don't know what I'm gonna do if I discover I no longer fit to be a developer, what am I gonna do instead? I'm analytical and systematical in what I do, so I think I'd to something development-related .. maybe build and test as that is different from pushing out code. Automation is something I could see myself doing ..
If thinking outside the box and completely non-computer related stuff, I'd like to do metal work, I know how to weld, both with gas, stick, MIG and in theory TIG, I know how work a lathe, mill and other equipment, I know how to take apart and put together gasoline and diesel engines, gearboxes. I know basic electronic and low current stuff, analog and digital. I know basic carpentry, brick work, tile work.
But I don't know what I want to do.
Later: my brain is mush from some reading as I googled some topics I were interested in. Why does it work this way, I was able to absorb just about anything earlier, any subject, I could achieve almost expert-level knowledge just by reading up on a subject, usually really narrow subject such as specific systems communication or internal works of something. Now my brain seems to just take it in and just discard it if tired .. have I filled up all available storage?
I doubt that though, but it's a scary thought. To not be able to immerse myself into a new geeky or nerdy topic and come out with deep knowledge .. that scares me. I know the brain is like a muscle, that needs exercise and challenges .. I've done that ever since my teen years, since I'm 50+ that makes it 40-something years of constant brain-jiggling activities.
I wish I had more sessions with the therapist, as it felt I was on the verge of actually getting orientation of the things that fill my mind. Maybe I'll seek consultation elsewhere.