Medicated depression, day #135
Was up early this morning, to get son to school and to meet with my therapist, turned out to be my last meeting. The therapist were pushing that I need to be harder on employer and insurance company, to make sure I get best possible care. I got a few things to work on or to take care of:
- Contact insurance company
- More physical exercise
- Ask doctor about replacing possible depression-causing medication
- Tweak percentage of my slow ramp up, 50% was a bit harsh, 25% would be less "aggressive".
- Make sure I get compensated, sick pay
Seeing doctor on Friday, until that I'm still on 100% sick leave, after Friday, they may put me on 25% work, but guessing there is not much to do as they moved me off the assignment. I expressed my worries to the therapist that this might be extrapolated into "work scarcity" or "under-planned resource", which might lead to termination.
Came home and felt really tired, like I've had been doing something really hard thinking as I came from the therapist, mentally drained. I'll keep from resting on bed, I'd fall asleep.
The therapist talked about the duality in what I describe, that I know that I'm knowledgeable and capable, but at the same time I have these thoughts that I don't know stuff, and that I'm not good enough, that I'll be found out to be and imposter and a fraud. Low self esteem, yes.
If enough time and bad thoughts that says "you're not good enough?", "you don't know this?", "are you even capable to do this?" .. it makes marks. These and similar thoughts rumble in the back of my head, at the same time I know these are wrong and just noise, I should not take note of them, ignore them.
One thing observed; I could easily parse code of language "A", as I coded heaps of that previously, looked at code my colleague had written during my leave to handle new features, no problem there, I even suggested small changes to improve the code. Then I attempted to parse things written in language "B", which I learned just 2 years ago .. that is completely opaque to me, I can't make heads or tails of it, even code I have written myself .. before I got the depression and brain-fog.
I have a habit of commenting my code heavily, explaining what is done and why, as to the next guy inheriting the code would just need to read my comments to get what it is and supposed to function and do. This is from experience that, a code base are going to be inherited somewhere along a time line, and I won't be the guy who made it hard to maintain the code and/or hard to add features.
Later: Wife called and told me she got the offer to work for 4 weeks at somewhere up north and that she have accepted, really good pay, so son and I are gonna be alone for four weeks during the summer. Don't know yet how that works with my sick leave, when and if I'm going to be on 25% or similar .. or not. Life-puzzle.
Later: I spent some time doing some updates on one of my projects, stuff that I would find really boring at times, but today it felt advanced and rewarding, as I updated missing stuff and added some as well.
Son arrived home only to turn around to leave for the youth club, didn't even get him to have a snack or anything. He's expected home in about two hours when the club closes.
I'm tired but won't go lay down or rest, I'd only fall asleep, which would wreck my sleep in the evening.