Medicated depression, day #100
At the office, just fetched coffee. Today I have a doctors appointment where I'm gonna learn if I'm gonna be on full or partial sick leave, everything leans towards a full time sick leave.
It adds some stress onset, as I have a meeting at the time I need to leave for the appointment, I don't want to be late for that appointment, so I'm thinking I'm gonna decline the meeting, as I'm already told to not work with the customer since last week.
My CFP looks like it got accepted enough to be listed as talks for that conference and I've told them that it is not entirely clear if I'm going or not, if I'm on sick leave I'm not.
Later: Health care called about the doctors appointment today, to cancel it and reschedule for Thursday, as my doctor was sick today. I'll put myself on sick leave today .. no point in working if I can't get anything done.
Later: waited for a meeting, connected ... and fell asleep. Fortunately nobody else connected and I disconnected after 5 minutes as nobody else showed up. Sent out mail informing everybody involved, manager, KC and PL, I'm leaving before lunch today, on my own accord since doctor was sick, I can do that up to 5 consecutive workdays, before needing a doctors note but since I'm going to the doctor on Thursday (preliminary), that is within the 5 days.
I'm tired even though I got almost 6 hours of sleep, during weekend I got 6 + 10 hours which is a little low, when aiming for 9 hours per night, to start with.
Thought about something a friend touched upon during the weekend, long-term and short-term memories, long-term has zero problems, I can remember stuff from long ago .. while short-term memory is messy and I can forget what I had for breakfast same day .. let alone what I had for lunch last Friday. Stuff I learned within the last 2-3 years is also messy and I can stare at code and nothing clicks, I feel very stupid at those times, like I forgot everything.
Later: I'm taking small naps, unconsciously, when things are quiet around me, waking up with there is noise, these are not making me more alert, rather more tired.
Later: Fell asleep again, woke up and twitched hard. Fuck, I need to go home.
Later: The KC is going to call me before I leave before lunch, to sync .. I'm pretty sure now that I need a sick leave, even though I have sleep fairly well this night I'm still nodding off, taking short naps uncontrollably .. ran that by a friend who thought it was rather serious.
I dunno what the KC is going to talk about, I have almost forgotten what we talked about last week.
Later: Talked to a colleague that recently came back from a long sick leave due to being burnt out .. I had questions about how it works and what happens and such. His recommendation was to go home and do exactly NOTHING. For a few weeks, reset brain, as that is the piece that is broken.
Later: Had meeting with KC, she was asking how I felt about going on sick leave and pushed that it was important to rest and basically do nothing, next doctors appointment is on Thursday and we will sync after that meeting.
I'm gonna up and leave now, talked to colleagues before they all went for lunch, if they had noticed that I fell asleep .. none of them, not even the one next to me. So I'm a sneaky napper, napping along without nobody notices. Or they were just nice and said that they didn't notice anything, while I was snoring big time.